Iwas swerving around the road in a fashion that looks drunken to southerners, and I bet you they’d also have missed the trail of flat toads puked out by my rear tyres along the bitumen. The ‘pop’ is only just perceptible when you squash one flat, except if you get a big one – then it’s like a very small speed bump, only real satisfying. Sooner or later it’s gonna cause a fatal accident, if it hasn’t already, this habit of swerving sideways to kill toads, but I reckon we get a thousand of them for every one they get of us. Visitors think it’s a kind of self-loathing thing, us killing our stately symbol with such gusto, but it’s mostly a matter of principle: we were here first. So I was swerving and yee-hawing with the window down one night when on the radio I hear this intelligentsia type getting interviewed about Queensland. I pulled over quick smart, all ears.

The obvious question first off the blocks: ‘What’s with Queensland anyway?’ Thought they’d never ask. Heart racing, I think maybe the intelligentsia is gonna make us one of ’em! Looks like them ‘smart state’ number plates really paid off, our image is taking a turn – we’ve even got our own PM now. Plus they named a state after us. Maybe they saw our ad: ‘Queensland: we ain’t as dumb as you think we am. Is.’